


Never

by simplyimpassible



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Depression, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Insecurity, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 13:22:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4021420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplyimpassible/pseuds/simplyimpassible
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>nightmares , insecurities , and three o'clock in the morning drinks .</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never

The dream was always the same, not always in the same order.  
  
_She was falling into darkness, the last thing she saw was Joker's face when she hit the eject button. The weightlessness took over her body once again, was she dying again? It was getting harder to breathe, hands reached up to grasp the oxygen line ; she couldn't find it. A bright red light drew her attention, the beam she had come to hate. Head lifted slowly, knowing what was coming and then the mechanical whirl filled her mind. It tore at her brain, caused her to grit her teeth, and when the beam was only a few inches away, she closes her eyes. Suddenly, there was silence and her back hit solid ground. Disoriented, she raises to her feet and then the voices come._  
  
_It happens all to much not for her to not know this was a dream. A nightmare she has so much trouble escaping. Her body moves without her consent. If it were up to Shepard, she would have rooted herself to the ground until she woke up but her nightmare was not yet over. Ashley Williams was the first voice in her head and already she could feel the walls she'd built over the years coming undone. “Negative. It's too hot!” For a split second, she swears the voice is coming from beside her and her head turns; nothing. There's a pause in her movement as she closes her eyes, a yearning to collect herself. “Go back and get Alenko.” It had been the hardest choice of her life, no one was supposed to die under her watch, no one. The rest of the voices start to fill in around her and she feels the air tightening. Was she ever going to breathe the same again?_  
  
_Her eyes open to trees, that same little boy that's haunted her again and again. She'd watched him die on Earth, she couldn't get his face out of her mind. He's staring up at her, as if waiting for something and then the flames start. His face is stoic as he stares and terror runs through her._  
  
She jolts up in bed, a hand raising slowly to wipe beads of sweat from her forehead. She looks over her partner, sleeping beside her and notes the time; 0300. The dreams aren't as frequent as they used to be, but they still come and they still chill her to her bone. An inaudible sigh leaves parted lips and the hand used to wipe away sweat runs through her hair just once. Moving carefully, Shepard shifts the covers as not to disturb the other and sets bare feet onto the cold ground of her cabin. The chill from the floor runs up her back and causes her to shiver; it only adds to the cold she's already filling up with. Once adjusted to the cold, she looks around the room. Eyes first move to the fish tank, thankful for the light it provides as she scans quickly and then slowly removes her weight from the bed. The only thing she can think right now is how much she needs a drink.   
  
Every step she takes is calculated and careful. She's forgotten how to turn herself off when she's not a mission. Her body always tense, ready for something to pop out of the shadows and take everything away from her again; she won't let that happen. Feet padding quietly, she's glad it's so early in the morning. With no one supposed to be awake, she wouldn't have to feel awkward seeing her crew in the simple shorts and tank top she wears to sleep. There were some things crew members didn't need to see and Shepard out of uniform was one of them. If they saw her like this, raking in a cold sweat and pale, their resolve might falter and she needed everyone at a hundred percent for this.   
  
The hiss of the door opening causes her back to tense as she turns around and glances over her shoulder. No movement from the bed, good. For a split second she wonders if the doors get louder at night. She stares into the hallway and then moves slowly, a few steps take her to the elevator door. The door to her cabin hisses shut as the elevator opens and she steps inside. She feels the cold air chilling her again and she wonders if the Normandy always felt like this. The button for deck three glows brightly after she touches it.  
  
Shepard sighs again, this time it's more audible. No one to hear her in the elevator, no one but EDI. She's already discussed it with the AI though, she doesn't bother her unless she's called. EDI understands Shepard's need to be the strong one, to deal with things, to work her way to normal. Though Shepard is sure she monitors her always, she doesn't bring up her state of mind anymore and for that, she's thankful. The ride down seems to take forever, the elevator descends slowly down until it finally comes to a stop.  
  
Another hiss and the door opens and she steps out. The hallway is deserted, quiet. She doesn't know the sound of the elevator door was echoed only a second later by her own cabin door opening again. 

The lounge seems so far away, but she moves towards it. The quiet hum of the ship comforting for only a minute. She remembers back, Tali once told her it was too quiet, she understands a little better now. The quiet broken by the sound of the door opening and then closing behind her as she steps into the room. The bar glows brightly in front of her and she pauses. With the room empty, no one around, she wonders if she had truly wanted to be alone. A sinking darkness surrounds her and again she shivers for no reason other than her own emotional turmoil. Perhaps she had not wanted to drink alone as she had originally thought.   
  
Her eyes stay glued to the bar, even when the door behind her opens. In a second, she feels that comforting hand on the small of her back and the darkness breaks. A warmth fills her to her core, the room around her seems to heat up as she remembers who she is. It still surprises her what an anchor she has.   
  
"Shepard."  
  
The sleepiness in the voice behind her brings a small smile to her face. They must have reached for her and found her missing; knowing where to go. Footsteps filled the air around her as she watched the other body sway slowly to the bar and begin making drinks.   
  
Lack of warmth spiraled her again and her fears run rampant. She didn't deserve this, the kindness they provided for her; the love. For all the things Shepard was, she was broken now and they deserved so much better. Better than a commander that couldn't control her temper half the time, then one that woke in the middle of the night because she couldn't handle her own dreams. Insecurity wraps itself around her like a restraint as she wonders how long it will be before they tire of waking up and coming down for three o'clock in the morning drinks with her. How long before they get tired of her?   
  
"Come on, have a drink."  
  
Her gazes lifts to meet the others and she finds her answer in the small smile looking down at her. The hidden sleep behind their eyes covered with a look she'd seen so many times it's amazing she can even find it in herself to doubt anymore. A drink made just for her is being held out and she can't help but let out a small smile; a short but genuine laugh leaves her lips as she steps forward and accepts the drink, settling into a seat.   
  
How long before they get tired of her? How long before they tire of coming down for three am drinks?  
  
_Never_. 

**Author's Note:**

> just a random thought that popped into my head last night . i don't know -- i kind of left this open?
> 
> i apologize to anyone that likes ashley and kept her alive . i went with the idea of sacrificing her for this one . =/


End file.
